I still remember that conversation.
A friend of mine and I were driving home after a sound engineering class – yes, I’ve done that too in my life. One of those chapters that feels far away and incredibly present at the same time.
It was late. We had just passed a McDonald’s, burgers in hand, windows slightly down, Metallica in the background.
Between one bite and the next, my friend turned to me and said:
“I’m thinking of leaving my girlfriend. We’ve been together for ten years, we live together, but… I’m not happy. The thing is, it’s not black or white. It feels like 51/49. And I need to figure out which is which.”
That sentence has stayed with me, lighting up a part of me I hadn’t noticed before.
We are wired to think in binaries. Good or bad. Right or wrong. Success or failure. But life rarely works that way. It’s not a chessboard. It’s not a courtroom. It’s not a clean formula where X cancels out Y and you’re left with certainty.
It’s gradients. It’s percentages. It’s 80/20 decisions that still make you lose sleep. It’s 70/30 risks that feel heavier than they should. And yes, it’s 51/49 choices that haunt you. Not because they’re unclear, but because you already know where the scale tips, and what you’ll have to let go of.
So I started applying this lens to other parts of my life. Launching a business? Leaving a job? Starting or closing a relationship? It’s always a matter of percentages.
Even habits we judge harshly, such as smoking, drinking coffee, skipping workouts… they’re not just flaws. That cigarette break is ten minutes of disconnection. The espresso is a moment of joy with your friends. The skipped run is a moment you gave yourself permission to rest.
On the other hand, even the things we call “good” have trade-offs. Sure, diets have benefits. But denying yourself Nutella and gelato for months? That’s not neutral. That’s giving up a small joy. And for some, that joy has meaning.
So how do I choose? How have I been choosing for the past twenty years? I’ve developed a process. It’s personal, but quite effective. Simple, but not easy.
Step one: the list.
I write down the pros and cons. And it takes time. Sometimes days. My lists may be pages long.
Step two: the priorities.
This is underestimated, but necessary. After listing the elements, we need to weigh them. Not everything is equal. It’s not about quantity – it’s about emotional, practical, and spiritual weight.
Step three: the guts.
After all the thinking, I close the notebook. And I feel. Where does my body lean? What decision brings relief, even if it’s hard?
Doing step three after the list is totally different than acting blindly. Now, intuition has digested the logic.
Sometimes, the reflections occurring during step one and step two are so deep and clear that the choice becomes inevitable. Other times, it still takes a leap. But there’s always the quiet voice that knows what’s right. And I’ve come to trust that voice. I’ve made peace with not always knowing why it’s right (at the end of the day, it’s still “guts”). But I’ve noticed, over time, that it tends to be.
You know, I like feeling more than thinking. Not as a rebellion, but as an evolution. Because we’re not machines: we’re stories in motion. And we tend to forget that the heart’s magnetic field is far greater than the brain’s.
Maybe one day this method will change. Maybe I’ll find new ways to choose. But for now, it works. And that’s more than enough.
